[

mood

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sleepy

]

These last few days have sucked, but things are (kinda) looking up so that's good. Oooh I just had one of those contraction thingies, but if you know anything about having babies, you know that having one contraction means nothing. Some days, having 20 contractions means nothing. It's probably for the best that I stay in the house most days, because if I didn't I'd probably kill everyone. Unless "killing everyone" involved me having to get up off the couch.

I did actually go out last night, it was fun..I got to see people, some of whom I miss and some I do not. Everyone was really nice to me though, asking if I needed something all the time...I'm not used to that. And I think my son may have gotten to second base with Crissy, but what can I say? He's a pimp like that...The bitches are already all over him.

Oh also, Ashleigh, Tyler and Johnny are awesome...They managed to get my baby a signed Lavar Arrington jersey, and Tyler mounted it and framed it at his work. It's Baby's First Throwback Jersey! And it made me cry...But what hasn't made me cry these last few days?

[

mood

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drained

]

I am so emotionally and physically drained from today. I didn't really do much, just normal stuff but my mind has been in overdrive thinking about the decisions that I'm gonna hafta make in the next few months. It's killing me, really, I just wanna freeze time and change everything so that it is right. But I guess there really is no "right" and everything happens for a reason and all that, I just wish things were different. My heart is so broken that I actually burst into tears in front of my mom tonight. I never cry in front of my mom. I hate showing weakness in front of her. But she actually did kinda make me feel better. I just feel like everything's spinning, and when it stops for a second and I realize how real everything is, I think I'm gonna puke.

I've been checking out emotionally, it's the easiest way to prepare myself. I just wish it wasn't like this. But I've been wishing and praying for some time now, and life is life and I just need to get over it. But that doesn't mean I don't still wanna cry all the time. Don't say it's fucking hormones, feel what I feel for a day and you'd understand.

In other news, I bought a Baby Bjorn and a diaper bag tonight. The diaper bag is quite snazzy, if I do say so myself.

[

mood

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apathetic

]

i have decided that on sunday night, i will go into labor and the baby will be born sometime on monday. maybe if i think hard enough about it, it'll happen. it's possible, right?

today was lazy, i had a lot of pains so i laid around all day long. i'm hoping to do a little more tomorrow, like finish cleaning and go out to see friends or something. i guess we'll see...

i really have nothing to say about anything, other than time is going way too fast and i hope the rest of my life doesn't go like this. i feel so old now, i know it's ridiculous but i'll be 19 in two months, and i swear it was just yesterday i was graduating...and also, living is dying and dying is living. yep.

[

mood

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chipper

]

I can't take those damn postsecrets...I always end up teary after I read them. The letters that people send are really rough too. Man I'm soft.

Last night I kept waking up with these awful throbbing pains, I think they were contractions. I was too lazy to get up though, I figured if something was gonna happen it'd keep me awake. So I just rolled over and slept. I feel a little better today, but I'm gonna clean the room tonight. I'm sure my baby's gonna screw me over and be really late, but just in case, I wanna be ready! Plus since I don't really get maternity leave, I might as well do all this stuff now. Only 18 (supposed) days left, I feel like I should be getting nervous. But I'm not. Everybody better come visit me in the hospital!

OH MY GOD. I am a complete RETARD and somehow FORGOT to watch Grey's Anatomy last night...I'm not sure how, it just somehow slipped my mind. Someone please, fill me in!!

[

mood

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exhausted

]

when i was like 5 my mom told me that my aunt had to go to the doctor to have a really long stick taken out of her butt. at the time it really disturbed me, but now i think i may need to visit that doctor. but so do lots of other people.

i think the baby may be in the process of dropping. these last few days i've been HUGE! people have been making comments, the greatest was my boss, who came in on wednesday morning, took a look at me and said "DAMN, are you getting bigger?!" seems like i have been. but today, i don't think i look as big, and everything down low hurts worse than it has been. the pain woke me up last night, i was whimpering in my sleep. and when i lay on my back and rock my hips, i can hear cracking and feel grinding...it's quite pleasant. i slept for 12 hours last night and then today i fell asleep from like 6 to 8. hmm...

someone just shake me and tell me that everything is really gonna be okay. i know better, but i might believe you just cuz i have nothing left to go on at this point.

[

mood

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okay

]

so today's not my last day of work...in fact, i just may work forever. because i love my job. i mean, i love money. i mean, i hate working but i can't afford to take off because i'm broke and about to have a baby.

well yeah, things have been hard, and i believe people when they say comforting things. but i shouldn't. but i'm afraid that being realistic will cause me to, at the very least, spontaneously combust. sometimes it's just easier to make yourself completely oblivious to the reality of a situation. especially right now. i don't wanna stress out my baby before he's even born. so i'll let him be born, and i'll deal with things from there on out. and by deal with things, i mean handle what needs to be handled. changes need to be made. and if they're not, then MAJOR changes WILL be made. i'm not sure how much i care anymore. well i know i care, but there's something higher than caring in me right now, a sense of responsibility, a desire for more.

and also, let me say that it sucks that no one ever calls just to see how i am. but if they did, i'd probably say i'm doing great! because really, i'm in fucking pieces right now, and i have no idea what's holding me together. but it can't last forever. it won't. i've never been so fake for such a period in my life before, and it feels good, and that bothers me. pretending everything's okay shouldn't actually make me feel good, it should make me feel worse, but for once it isn't. faking it somehow makes things better, it's like the lies i tell myself and everyone else are what's real, and what's actually real is just shoved off in the background. i think i'm just successfully fooling myself.

i had a shrink once and i told him that no one's really as happy as they seem, they're either faking it or they're delusional. and he told me that i'd be fine, i just needed to find my delusion. i thought he was nuts. i think i'm getting closer.

okay well i have successfully bitched for about 15 minutes now...i think that's all i'll allot myself today. work's over in 20 minutes, then it's on to (hopefully) babies r us so i can find that take-me-home outfit i've been dying for. the baby's due in 3 weeks, can you believe it? i'm so excited...i feel like he's a tiny will, not me at all. he acts just like will already, he'll sleep with his feet in my ribs and when i try to move them he kicks me. and if i push harder to move him, he just kicks harder...can we say daddy's boy?

[

mood

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tired

]

seems like every time i finally feel okay, things just get wrong all over again. i would kill for that mundane but secure life that most people take for granted.

valentine's day was good, i got jewelry, you're jealous. and i also got balloons and flowers and girly stuff. and "requiem for a dream" on dvd. but no chocolates =( is this his way of saying i'm fat? not that i care anymore, i'm just pissed i don't have any chocolate.

doctor's was stupid yesterday. haven't dilated anymore, but my cervix is thinning. at least something on me is thinning.

well this is all, work has been busy today.

[

mood

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bored

]

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? oh yeah...but i was always too slick to get caught with anything. except for that one time that i had a bowl made out of an asthma inhaler, i swear that cop HAD to know what it was but he just put some other stuff in my purse on top of it and didn't say anything. god bless him.

2. Do you close your eyes on rollercoasters? no i love rollercoasters!

3. When's the last time you've been sleigh riding? wow it was a LONG time ago, probably at university park elementary.

4.Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? with will, of course.

5. Do you believe in Ghosts? yes, and NO ONE can convince me otherwise.

6. Do you consider yourself creative? mmm not really, i can scrapbook like a mofo though.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife? duh! of course he did. he's a bad man.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? well i like jennifer aniston but angelina jolie is so sexy...i wish i could rock that tattoos like she does...

9. Can you honestly say you know anything about politics? um..maybe...not.

10.Can you play poker? no but i could learn. i think.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? i think so.

12. Do you kill bugs that are in the house? i hate bugs. so if i see one, it's dead.

13. Have you ever cheated on a test? yeah.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around..do you go through red lights? no! i'm especially cautious in the middle of the night.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? i don't know.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? i f-ing hate baseball.

17. Have you ever Ice Skated? no, but i DID get my first boyfriend at the ice skating rink.

18. How often do you remember your dreams? usually.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you were crying? super bowl...and then i was crying so hard i was crying...

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles? yeah but i hate the beatles.

WHERE IS 21?

22. Do you believe in love at first sight? the romantic part of me wants to say yes, but the realistic part of me is going with no.

23. Do you know who Ba-Ba-Booey is? do i want to?

24. Do you know wat B.A.N.G. means?? umm no.

25. What talent do you wish you had? i have all the natural skills i need to get by.

26. Do you like Sushi? ew god no...i remember one halloween this kid was eating sushi when we were trick or treating and i threw one at him.

27. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident? probably but i don't remember stuff like that.

28. What do you wear to bed? jammies! big pants and baggy tee shirts...yeah i'm sexy.

29. Have you ever been caught stealing? no. i was always really good at stealing.

30. Does size matter? of course.

31. Do you truly hate anyone? i'm not sure.

32. Rock and Roll or Rap? it's all about the nu-metal, bitches. (does that even exist anymore? i'm so out of the loop.)

33. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be? no one! i love my husband very much (and i also know that he reads this...=P) really though, famous people just don't do it for me anymore.

34. Do you have a relative in prison? yeah a few...does that make me white trash?

35. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror like your favorite singer? nah i embarass myself.

36. Do you know how to play chess? nah but will did get a nifty glass chess set for christmas.

37. What food do you find disgusting? lots of things.

38. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours? yeah lol i was like 3, i think it may have traumatized me. the little boy was older than me, so i thought i might grow one too..

39. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back? yeah, i felt bad about it though...honest!

40. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? yeah i punched this kid in the face once for making fun of some mentally challenged kid in engineering.

41. Have you ever been punched in the face? no thank god i'd have to kill someone.

42. When is the last time you threw up from drinking to much? wow i honestly don't remember.

43. Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater? the sum of all fears...we just weren't feelin it.

44. Do you ever sit through a bad movie, just to see how bad it can get? um yeah, rollerball...

45. Would you consider yourself obsessed with anything/anyone? no i don't think so.

46. Have you ever met someone famous that you really wanted to meet? no but i met a bunch of famous people i didn't care about...ie bloodhound gang, linkin park, mike from green day...the list goes on.

47. Have you ever been stood up? yeah =(

48. When's the last time you screamed at the top of your lungs? well there was this night last spring break where i was plastered and said to have been screaming really loud. but i don't remember.

49. Did you ever do something that you didn't want to, just to fit in? yeah...

50. Do you consider yourself "the biggest fan" of something? no i'm too lazy.

[

mood

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cranky

]

well this morning bagan in such a fashion that almost had me killing someone. my fucking necklace went down the drain of the bathroom sink. mind you, this is when i'm already running late because i just couldn't ring myself to get outta bed this morning, and my mother wasn't up either, and then tried to bitch me out for not waking her up. i think i'm surrounded by fucking idiots. but still, i didn't kill anyone and things have improved a little.

i think i've been having contractions but i can't tell. they don't hurt really, it just feels like everything's getting really cramped in there and then it goes away. i would call the doctor but if i have to talk to that idiot-bitch receptionist again i'll fucking kill her, which i almost did yesterday when my favorite receptionist was out. seriously, this is how the conversation went after she told me that jamie wasn't there:

me: well i've been in constant pain for the last two days...every time i move i feel like the baby is gonna fall out of me, it's like a stabbing pain in my cervix.

idiot-bitch: i see. are you pregnant?

me: yeah. 36 weeks, tomorrow. if i don't do anything at all, it doesn't hurt constantly but i do get shooting pains every 20 minutes or so.

idiot-bitch: sounds normal to me.

me: well what should i do to be able to function again?

idiot-bitch: um, well does it still hurt if you're not moving?

me: not constantly, but i get sharp pains.

idiot-bitch: sounds like the baby's laying on a nerve or something, it's normal.

i just gave up at this point...it's not the baby laying on a nerve, cuz the baby moves and he's not in one place to make it hurt all the time. ugh dumbass.

[

mood

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hungry

]

for some reason, i just remembered this girl names cathy that was in my guitar class sophomore year. she was a lesbian or something and i loved that girl to death and when she left i was really sad. i failed guitar class by the way. fucking teacher was a drunk.

i went to the doctor's yesterday. i'm half a centimeter!!! yay! everyone keeps telling me that it means nothing but i'm excited. only 9 and a half more to go!

before i get completely cranky all the time and start bitching people out for no reason, we should hang out. actually, i'm already pretty cranky and bitchy all the time but i will try to be polite for awhile.

[

mood

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hungry

]

so the super bowl was...underwheliming. i mean, we won, that's a good thing right? right. but we didn't win how i wanted us to win. regardless, i cried like a big fat baby when i saw how happy all the players were. (football IS an emotional experience for me, thankyouverymuch!!)

grey's anatomy was RIDICULOUS last night!! like ohmygod! izzie and alex, bangin in the closet?! FINALLY...now i can only hope that he doesn't cheat on her again, and they live happily ever after. the only reason i didn't cry hysterically was because will was there, and he had already made fun of me for crying at the super bowl.

well then now that i've went on about tv for a ridiculous amount of time...

i need to get a bloomin onion tonight. i really do need one.

okay well i'ma try to find a birthday present online for my ho ashleigh...today is her birthday. so if you see her, well, tell her happy birthday.

[

mood

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hot

]

this morning i wanted to kill everyone and i bitched about everything within a 10 mile radius to anyone who would listen. and now i just got this feeling of warmth, and oh i'm so lucky that people love me blah blah...now i understand why bipolar people are nuts. if i know you and you're bipolar, well then, i love you. but you're still nuts. and you have to know that.

someone tell me why the only really nice travel system at target has to have bright purple on it! (i have a sneaking suspicion that it's just to piss me off, but excuse me i'm just being self-important.) it's all grey and black and gorgeous, except for the bright ass purple everywhere. i would sweat it if i was having a girl, but i'm having the boy that i wanted, so why do i get screwed in the travel system department?!

i can't believe football season is about to be over! so depressing...