I've said it before and I'll say it again, Cold always feels the same. And maybe nobody knows what I'm talking about. And maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. But I know it's true.
I'm burnt out on Christmas already, for some reason this year I just hate Christmas and shopping for it and everything. And I'm so severely in debt right now, and that is stressful. But, come the new year, I'll file my tax returns ASAP and get myself out of it all. And it'll be great, and I can relax again. It's not so bad. Some people are thousands of dollars in debt, and I'm not that bad. It'll be easy to get it all settled. (I have this way of soothing myself, it can make almost anything okay.)
Well today was Thanksgiving. I'm glad I don't have on of those families where we go around the table and share what we're thankful for. That would fucking suck. Cuz what would I say? I'm thankful that I've been waiting all day for Will to show up? For some reason being let down this time seems more serious than all the other times. Especially after yesterday, yesterday was great. And today showed me that not much has changed. Fuck it.
Well I haven't written on here in forever. The baby was born, his name is Adrian James (but if you call him AJ I'll fucking kill you). Things at home have been, well, working out. There are about a million things I'd like to change and about another million that I personally have no control over, so it's a lot to deal with daily. But things have been alright. Adrian is a great baby, looks exactly like his dad and is perfect. That's all for now, I'm kinda complacent so I shouldn't talk too much.
has anyone else noticed that this whole myspace thing has gotten a little out of control? myspace is mentioned on the news almost daily. the news!! we're in the middle of a holy war, and the media is completely consumed with myspace?! whatev, i'm still about to update my profile...
everyone wish me luck at the doctor's tomorrow! if he doesn't set something up for my baby to be born this week i might just stab him in the eye with a speculum...yeah i don't play.
These last few days have sucked, but things are (kinda) looking up so that's good. Oooh I just had one of those contraction thingies, but if you know anything about having babies, you know that having one contraction means nothing. Some days, having 20 contractions means nothing. It's probably for the best that I stay in the house most days, because if I didn't I'd probably kill everyone. Unless "killing everyone" involved me having to get up off the couch.
I did actually go out last night, it was fun..I got to see people, some of whom I miss and some I do not. Everyone was really nice to me though, asking if I needed something all the time...I'm not used to that. And I think my son may have gotten to second base with Crissy, but what can I say? He's a pimp like that...The bitches are already all over him.
Oh also, Ashleigh, Tyler and Johnny are awesome...They managed to get my baby a signed Lavar Arrington jersey, and Tyler mounted it and framed it at his work. It's Baby's First Throwback Jersey! And it made me cry...But what hasn't made me cry these last few days?
I am so emotionally and physically drained from today. I didn't really do much, just normal stuff but my mind has been in overdrive thinking about the decisions that I'm gonna hafta make in the next few months. It's killing me, really, I just wanna freeze time and change everything so that it is right. But I guess there really is no "right" and everything happens for a reason and all that, I just wish things were different. My heart is so broken that I actually burst into tears in front of my mom tonight. I never cry in front of my mom. I hate showing weakness in front of her. But she actually did kinda make me feel better. I just feel like everything's spinning, and when it stops for a second and I realize how real everything is, I think I'm gonna puke.
I've been checking out emotionally, it's the easiest way to prepare myself. I just wish it wasn't like this. But I've been wishing and praying for some time now, and life is life and I just need to get over it. But that doesn't mean I don't still wanna cry all the time. Don't say it's fucking hormones, feel what I feel for a day and you'd understand.
In other news, I bought a Baby Bjorn and a diaper bag tonight. The diaper bag is quite snazzy, if I do say so myself.
I went to the doctor today to learn that I have made NO PROGRESS! None. H even said "I'm sorry dear" like he really felt bad for me and just wanted to will my cervix open. Everyone in the office thought I would have delivered last weekend, and the ones I didn't talk to yesterday looked really suprised to see me. I was in the shittiest mood. But then the doctor said that if I make it to next week's appointment, we'll schedule an induction. He usually doesn't do that til 42 weeks, but apparently he thinks I'm really ready and that it'll be better to do it sooner. So if you wanna hang out with me, do it NOW! Cuz I'll most likely have a baby by weekend after next.
well in case you were wondering my baby has decided that he is not being born right now. BAD BABY!! i think if i get any bigger my bellybutton will become a black hole which can be used to travel to the 13th dimension (whatever the hell that is) and to parallel universes and all that good stuff.
my neighbor, who is from cape cod and strongly resembles the kangaroo hunter, has fallen off the wago. and for some reason i think this is hilarious. especially considering the fact that he stumbled on to my porch yesterday while will was smoking a cigarette and asked him where the weed's at around here. this was after he asked us for a bike pump. hilarous, no?
well i'm off to lay on my ass some more and watch court shows...
i have decided that on sunday night, i will go into labor and the baby will be born sometime on monday. maybe if i think hard enough about it, it'll happen. it's possible, right?
today was lazy, i had a lot of pains so i laid around all day long. i'm hoping to do a little more tomorrow, like finish cleaning and go out to see friends or something. i guess we'll see...
i really have nothing to say about anything, other than time is going way too fast and i hope the rest of my life doesn't go like this. i feel so old now, i know it's ridiculous but i'll be 19 in two months, and i swear it was just yesterday i was graduating...and also, living is dying and dying is living. yep.
yeah i've definitely just lost my mind. it's not bad actually. i'm just ridiculously happy, and i have every reason in the world not to be. if you piss me off, i'm gonna scratch your eyes out, or give you a biting look (i'm perfecting the "mom" glare), but i'll still be SOOOO HAPPY! maybe girls have it good afterall. i always thought that the pms was such an awful thing, but looks like our hormones can work in our favor too...men should be jealous.
wow i just read over that...i was just kidding but maybe i really DID slip a gear or something...
doctor's today, i made NO progress. the good news is, the baby didn't crawl further up as to avoid ever being born. but i'm sure if he could, he would have. but who cares, it was a beautiful day outside! i also got my blood drawn by some sadistic bitch who didn't know that the blue things in my arms were veins, so she just stabbed a white part and moved the needle around until i started bleeding into the tube. but even then i didn't get mad, i didn't even mentally insult her country of origin (which i do to everyone who pisses me off, i don't care where they're from, even if it's here). crazy...
last night i had a dream that will had a kid with his ex. the kid was adorable, and he loved me...and he was the only hasidic 3 year old i've ever seen. he had the little curls, a little suit, a yarmulke. um, wonder what THAT means...
back to work tomorrow! i think i'm just not going on maternity leave, i'll stop working when the baby's born. if i let myself i'd be pissed that i have to do that, but i'm letting the hormones do their job...plus i feel great, so i might as well make money. speaking of money, on tyra today she had all these hookers that were making 6 figures a year. they all worked at some whorehouse on nevada and loved their jobs. and the CEO (i guess that's what he was) was a guy. that always pisses me off, i wanna be a pimpette. i'm sure i could convince a bunch of hookers it was in their best interest...