so today's not my last day of work...in fact, i just may work forever. because i love my job. i mean, i love money. i mean, i hate working but i can't afford to take off because i'm broke and about to have a baby.
well yeah, things have been hard, and i believe people when they say comforting things. but i shouldn't. but i'm afraid that being realistic will cause me to, at the very least, spontaneously combust. sometimes it's just easier to make yourself completely oblivious to the reality of a situation. especially right now. i don't wanna stress out my baby before he's even born. so i'll let him be born, and i'll deal with things from there on out. and by deal with things, i mean handle what needs to be handled. changes need to be made. and if they're not, then MAJOR changes WILL be made. i'm not sure how much i care anymore. well i know i care, but there's something higher than caring in me right now, a sense of responsibility, a desire for more.
and also, let me say that it sucks that no one ever calls just to see how i am. but if they did, i'd probably say i'm doing great! because really, i'm in fucking pieces right now, and i have no idea what's holding me together. but it can't last forever. it won't. i've never been so fake for such a period in my life before, and it feels good, and that bothers me. pretending everything's okay shouldn't actually make me feel good, it should make me feel worse, but for once it isn't. faking it somehow makes things better, it's like the lies i tell myself and everyone else are what's real, and what's actually real is just shoved off in the background. i think i'm just successfully fooling myself.
i had a shrink once and i told him that no one's really as happy as they seem, they're either faking it or they're delusional. and he told me that i'd be fine, i just needed to find my delusion. i thought he was nuts. i think i'm getting closer.
okay well i have successfully bitched for about 15 minutes now...i think that's all i'll allot myself today. work's over in 20 minutes, then it's on to (hopefully) babies r us so i can find that take-me-home outfit i've been dying for. the baby's due in 3 weeks, can you believe it? i'm so excited...i feel like he's a tiny will, not me at all. he acts just like will already, he'll sleep with his feet in my ribs and when i try to move them he kicks me. and if i push harder to move him, he just kicks harder...can we say daddy's boy?